Nina Elcao
So you survived the first date and hopefully still have money in your wallet, but is she truly interested? I reveal five questions you should ask yourself before assuming you’re Don Juan.
1. Did She Keep Her Distance?
Let’s skip to the fun part. You kissed her…or did you? If not, was it nerves or because she was already in her car speeding past your poor soul? If you look back on the date and realize there was no opportunity to get closer to her because she was practically sitting at the next table, then she ain’t interested in seeing you again. Trust me, any female who doesn’t think you’re the right fit will refuse to loosen her boundaries. Good luck trying to share appetizers, too. She will not insinuate any romantic Lady and the Tramp gestures. NINA TIP: If this is the case, she will definitely want to pay for her share to erase any guilt of rejection. Let her.
With my experience in lackluster dates, I’ll quickly go in for the hug before any awkward “Should I kiss her?” moments can run through his mind. I do not want to waste any time. However, a woman is going to linger a little bit longer after saying goodbye if she wants some lip action. If she’s already checking OkCupid before you even step out of the establishment, you should start planning the next date…with someone else.
2. How Long Was The Date, aka How Many Drinks Were Ordered?
The number of drinks ordered might as well be the universal symbol for how long someone wants to stay during a date. If a woman’s done ordering after the first drink, she wants to leave. I don’t care how many excuses she’s giving you such as, I have to drive soon! or I just don’t want to drink any more! It’s all BS, guys. Why would she want to drive soon if she’s in your company? Oh, I know why…because she’s not interested enough! At the same time, women want to be polite. She’s not going to bluntly admit she isn’t attracted to you or your signs don’t mesh well, which is why you should notice this gesture to save your time and money. Don’t fall for excuses, end the date as quickly (and casually) as you can. If I am wrong and her reasons were valid, then she’s really going to want to see you again because you pulled the rug out in front of her. Another date will be in the works, especially if you paid attention to her lingering afterwards and kissed her, which will make up for the premature ending (but honestly, it’s almost always an excuse).
3. Did She Reference The Future?
I’m not talking marriage, silly, I’m talking about next week. The near future. Did she give you any cute “homework” assignments, such as watching a pilot to one of her favorite shows or some random YouTube clip of a dog helping a baby go upstairs. This is an oh-so-obvious way of a girl saying she wants to continue the conversation outside of the date. If there’s little mention of a topic she wants revisited in days to come, or if there is NO verbal “next time”, you may want to chalk this up to a dating dud. It’s natural for anyone to want to share the things she enjoys with someone, or at least see if it’s his cup of tea. She has no intent in sharing anything with you if her references strictly stay in the present tense and she barely inquires about your interests. Move on to someone more interesting, you don’t deserve a robot.
4. Was Her Flirting Genuine?
I answered this very question from a male reader on my website, but here’s the shorter version. There are two key words to consider: consistency and follow-through. I will discuss follow-through in the last question, but for now, I’m talking regularity. Any girl who’s picturing you with your shirt off is not only going to get closer to you (ahem, #1), but she’s going to make it known she is the only girl in the joint. This is done through CONSTANT reminders — whether it’s casually touching your arm or not losing her gorgeous smile and piercing looks. Unbeknownst to some, women also like marking their territory. You better believe if there’s a guy I’m into on the first date, I am going to do everything I can to make sure he knows it. (If I have to wink, laugh, or squeeze his forearm, I’m doing it…a lot.) Consistency at least proves your date is enjoying herself and not all is lost, but there is still so much more to gain.
With that said, some women are just great at eye contact. It doesn’t always mean they are interested enough for a second date. What helps sort out her intentions is where else she’s looking. Where do her eyes go when there’s a lull in conversation? The table next to you? The hot server? The hockey game (that may be just me)? Women think about sex just as much as you do, guys. If you start noticing her eyes are wandering to your lips or arms or other body parts, that’s a safe sign to mentally give yourself a Top Gun high five. On the flip side, if she’s barely maintaining eye contact and seems distracted or more concerned with people watching (ESPECIALLY when you’re talking), I’d chug your beer and get out of there.
5. Post-Date Conversations: Are They Happening?
We have arrived at the most important factor in figuring us out: the follow-through. This question is so significant it almost trumps the other four if not executed. Let’s say the date lasted for three hours, her body language was engaging and you got a brief make out session, but her messages are less than exhilarating (and scarce) after the fact. This could be for a few reasons, but I’ll break it down to one. She isn’t as interested as you thought.
Do you know how many great women love going on first dates, but get anxiety when it comes to the second or third? This is because there are now expectations and assumptions coming into play. Is he expecting me to sleep with him soon? How long will it be before I meet his friends? What if I’m not ready to continue dating as much as I thought? If you’re sensing a bit of distance following an exciting first date, this is probably why. She is stuck in her head and may not want to commit to something as simple as another time to meet. You don’t want this person. Someone who loved your company and wants to see more of you will be so quick to respond it’s endearing and effortless. She may even break the “three day rule” (which I agree with Kyle, is ridiculous) and start contacting you first. Bottom line, a female is going to make it obvious her flirting was sincere when she follows through with engaging messages and has a pulse on the other side of the phone. Don’t try and justify any disappearing acts, you don’t want to date a magician (unless you really do, then that’s another article).
Awareness is key when it comes to dating, gentlemen. Start paying attention, and good luck.
I met a very attractive, funny, down to earth woman on eharmony. We talked on the phone for a total of about 8 hours and really hit it off before we went on our first date. We went out to dinner and both had 3 drinks and hung around there for about 4 hours. We were both flirting, and laughing and smiling the whole time. We shared interests, and spoke of future potential dates to hang out. She said i made her smile so much her face hurt. Then I walked her out to her car and before I could make a move to kiss her wham she jumped me and beat me to it. We spent about an hour trying to say goodbye and end the night but kept coming back together to kiss, hold other, press against each other, and for lack of better word grope each other. When we finally said by she said call me when you get home to make sure you’re ok (which indicates to me she cares) I did that and we talked a little and then went to sleep. So now 4 days later we haven’t talked on the phone at all and she has barely responded to my text messages. I haven’t pressured her or over messaged her but I am wondering what is going on. What could’ve happened to cause her interest to completely shift? I really need a woman’s perspective on this 🙁
Hey Rob, I can imagine that would be really frustrating and confusing. It’s impossible to tell why that could have happened, especially if she’s not being communicative. It could be that she just got scared, it could be she’s got other big issues she’s dealing with. The one thing I noticed about your story is that you started the relationship pretty intensely. The fact that you talked on the phone for 8 hours before your first and only date is a clue, I think. When you start like that, it’s much harder to keep it in the casual “let’s just see what happens” realm. You may have both built up a lot of expectations before that first date…and I’m not saying you didn’t live up to hers. But maybe she’s gotten too much I her head…maybe she didn’t live up to her own expectations for herself. I would give her some space but let her know you’re still open to going out again. And I personally think you should avoid trying to have this kind of discussion with her about it over text or phone. Give her space, and if she wants to meet up again, great. Otherwise, politely and gracefully move on.
Kyle,
Thanks for your perspective on this
It is basically what I figured; to put the ball in her court. I will call her on a day she has off this week to invite her out next weekend and if I don’t hear back than I will just move on. I’m not the kind of person to berate, belittle, or demean anyone so that never crossed my mind; I’m just really frustrated and really disappointed. It hasn’t been easy to make this kind of connection with someone for me which is what she also said as well. I didn’t plan on bringing all this up to her via text or on the phone because I don’t want to aeem desperate or angry, butare you saying I should address it if we go out again?
I probably wouldn’t bring it up with her unless you spent some more time together and there still seemed to be some uneasiness/awkwardness. My point was just to try and keep the relationship in-person as much as possible and to avoid trying to read into anything that may be happening via text. It sounds like you’ve already got good instincts about that, so you’re doing everything you can. If you put yourself out there and she ends up being flaky, it’s her loss. Good luck!
Hey there,
I have a problem. So the thing is …
I am really shy (male 17) but yeah there is that girl from dancing school (Ballroom dance) from 2 years ago that I really liked. I kind of kept contact to but…. it really wasn’t a lot.
So the current Situation is that I invited her to the school Ball. We did the ball opening and I was asking more like I needed somebody to dance with. (It wasn’t officially a date but….)
I kind of feel like it was a date.
the question is, how do I pursue this. How do I “attach” if you will so. I feel like she did enjoy the “date” as she didn’t leave right away and instead we went home together. Still… I have no Idea what to do now.
Till now my excuse for meeting her was either the preparation for the ball or the ball itself.
Also I can’t take her to the club. She’s always dressed a bit dapper and she doesn’t drink.(I know for sure)
Also she doesn’t have Facebook or anything else (or at least I couldn’t find her) so I almost know nothing.
The best thing I can come up with is coffee or eating somewhere out, but we are 17. I can’t really afford 2 much and as we are both shy I risk getting us both into really awkward situation. So the other thing would be cinema. But I’ve been told that that is not a good choice for a date as we are not really doing anything together(getting to know each other or smth. like that.).Also we don’t really seem to have the same taste for music so I don’t expect to “harmonize” with her on the subject of movies.
I think your idea of going for coffee is good. It gives you a chance to talk more, which you can’t do very well at the movies. Or ask her if she wants to go grab an ice cream and go for a walk. I don’t think you need to spend very much money on a first date. You just need to show her that you want to spend time with her. And since she already went to the ball with you, that’s a really good sign. Don’t sweat it, just go for it. And if for some reason she turns you down, that’s her loss. Good luck!