Men are generally pretty bad at making friends—at least with other guys.
Especially as we get older, men often have fewer close male friendships. Yet, according to research, we crave intimacy in our friendships just as much as women.
Worst of all, this lack of close relationships could be very, very bad for us. Prolonged loneliness can have serious consequences for cognition, emotion, behavior, and health—and may even speed up physiological aging.
Growing Up Changes How we Relate to Other Men
It’s hard to say why guys aren’t great at making friends with other men.
Part of it seems to be the way we grow up: as we hit puberty and we begin to develop as men, we try to avoid any notion of being “feminine”—which often means trying to appear stronger and less vulnerable.
During our adolescence and through the great social experiment we call “high school,” we struggle with afflictions like acne, the sudden desire to be noticed by potential love interests, and the scary realization that we’re going to be adults soon.
Ironically, as we start our journey to becoming men, some of us become preoccupied by worries about not fully reaching some manly ideal. In high school I vividly remember being petrified that I would be a virgin for the rest of my life.
During this time, we may also start to see other men as competition—probably some primal vestige of our more Darwinistic caveman days, when the only thing that mattered was (A) Am I strong enough to fight you? or (B) Will I be the one who gets the attractive, nubile mate instead of you?
Download this Free Cheat Sheet with 11 ways to make more guy friends.
Other Barriers to Male Friendship
The end of high school and college seem to be the prime time for men to make friends with other guys. This is when we start to zero in on our interests and begin finding paths for our adult lives.
The activities we choose at this time often become the centers of our social spheres. We may not feel comfortable walking up to guys and saying “hey, will you be my friend?” like we did on the playground in elementary school. But our common interests become a non-threatening foundation for friendship—they allow us to reinforce our value to each other without having to get overtly sentimental.
There has to be an activity where we can both contribute our own skills and appreciate/value what the other has to offer. When two men affirm each other’s usefulness and significance, friendship is almost bound to arise.”
–Matt, Distilled Man reader
But beyond college, as we settle into our lives, it gets more and more difficult to make new friends—and to maintain existing friendships.
Keeping friends as you get older is the difficult part. Life gets in the way. you may get to hang out every once in a while but just like anything that you want to grow it needs to be nurtured and attended to. That’s difficult with things to do around the house and children. Not to mention if you spend more time with your buddy than your wife or girlfriend thinks is appropriate then they think that you are neglecting them. So enjoy the quality not so much the quantity.”
–Fred, Distilled Man reader
Increasing time-demands from our jobs, from our spouses, and from our children make it more challenging. Overall, we have more “inertia” in our lives. And where we once may have explored other interests and made new connections, it becomes harder and harder to fight that inertia and broaden our social circles.
Social Inertia Isn’t All Bad, But…
This narrowing of our social circles isn’t all bad. Many guys are happy to maintain a few strong connections with men they’ve met in high school or college—and they don’t feel the need for much more socialization beyond that and their family.
I am good at making acquaintances with NEW guys that I meet. I can hang out, laugh, have inside jokes, etc. But on a weekend, I’d rather work in my yard all day and relax by the grill in the evening than hang with any “NEW” friend. But the friendship I share with my OLD BUDS is significantly stronger. So, it’s not that I’m not GOOD at making new friends, I just prefer not to.”
–Bart, Distilled Man reader
For some men, there’s a sense of starting to really know who they are as they get older—getting clearer about their values and the things they want (and don’t want) in life. This translates into having less interest or tolerance for making friends with men who don’t share the same ideals.
But many other men feel a loss of connection as they get older—and the sense that having more close male friendships would be valuable. Yet, it can feel like an uphill battle. Some of the common themes that emerge are:
- A subconscious sense of not “measuring up” to other men their age
- General social anxiety or lack of confidence having conversations with other men
- Worrying about not seeming manly enough if they don’t appreciate traditional “manly activities” like sports or working out
One big barrier for these men seems to be the lack of practice with “chatting up” a guy.
Growing up, most men are pretty motivated to learn how to approach and talk to women. It’s a natural part of becoming an adult (heterosexual) male—and even though it’s far from easy for everyone, the rules of engagement are clearer.
For this reason, many men find that in their adult years, they are still far more comfortable talking to women—even in a platonic situation.
Meeting guys without an “in” is almost harder than meeting girls (which is tough enough as it is). I can (theoretically) go up to a girl at a bar or coffee shop and start talking to her. Maybe ask her out and start a relationship. That’s normal. For some reason, in our society, walking up to a guy and doing something similar with a friendship being the only desired outcome seems strange and bizarre.”
–Jesse, Distilled Man reader
Is this a real barrier in our society? Definitely. But as you explore it further, you realize it’s a false barrier: there are no disastrous consequences when you go talk to a random guy. Yes, there might be some awkwardness at first. But pretty soon, when he realizes you’re not hitting on him or trying to ask him for money, you both relax and try to enjoy the conversation. Or, the conversation ends after a while, and you both go your separate ways—still no real consequences. Yet still it holds us back.
Tips for Making Guy Friends as a Man
If you crave more male friendships in your life but feel anxious or uncertain about how to do it, don’t worry—there is hope.
The first step is getting over any fears about “measuring up.” Remember, everyone gets insecure, and you’re always your own worst critic. Even if you think you’re being judged when you talk to another guy, most likely he’s being more critical of himself than he is of you. We all get nervous, we all get stage fright. Johnny Carson did 4,000 shows with the Tonight Show and said there wasn’t a single episode where he wasn’t nervous beforehand. The key is acknowledging your nerves and then calmly stepping past them.
Once you do that, there are a number of things you can do to increase your chances of making new guy friends.
But even if you feel desperate to make new guy friends, you’ve got to relax. It’s the same as the dating world: if you come across as too eager to “seal the deal” and get a girlfriend, you’re going to turn women off. So too with making guy friends.
It’s much like fishing: you have to get into a zen-like state where you simply enjoy the process of fishing. By going fishing, you know you’ll increase your chances of catching fish. But if you stress about catching a bunch of fish, you’re not going to be as successful.
Here are some tips that can help you increase your chances of making guy friends as an adult:
1. Break the Social/Work Barrier
As I mentioned earlier, work and family play a larger role in our lives as we get older. So why not embrace it? You’re not going to connect with every guy you work with on a personal level, but you shouldn’t be afraid to explore hanging out with co-workers outside of work. The irony of work connections is that you probably spend as much time (if not more) with them as your family. So often, you may find that your coworkers will be willing to embrace the “true you”—and vice versa—more readily than you think.
The only potential downside is if you feel your friendship might interfere with work. Though expanding your relationship from from one sphere to the next is generally positive—it can help relieve stress and make you more resilient at work. I had an experience where a close college friend ended up working with me—actually reporting to me—shortly after I moved to San Francisco. At first I was worried how working together would affect our friendship. I was surprised to find that we actually appreciated and respected each other more after spending time in a professional setting.
2. Go Deep on Your Own Interests
Of course, it’s only natural that since many of our friendships with other guys develop based on common interests, this can be one area to explore that can help us make new, like-minded connections.
While this aspect of male friendship might be viewed as shallow, it’s just reality. Very similar to the way that small talk becomes a pathway to genuine rapport, shared activities can become the bridge to real friendships.
Even if two men start as “football buddies” or “drinking buddies” there’s no reason a deeper connection can’t develop if both men want it to.
So, think about your interests:
Taking friends out of the equation, what are you already interested in? What excites you?
Languages? Music? Carpentry? Hiking? Spirituality? Yoga? Cars? Metalwork?
Take a class. Join a club. Put an ad on craigslist for an “activity partner.” Go to a new church…
It’s nearly impossible to have an interest that NO ONE ELSE is into. And the great part about this strategy is that it allows you to “pursue making friends” without doing anything you wouldn’t normally want to do.
And when you’re doing an activity you love, you’re more likely to be yourself. You’re in your element, you’re more relaxed…The shared activity takes the pressure off worrying about making friends…which ultimately makes it more likely to happen naturally.
3. Explore Completely Random Social Activities
Instead of going deep into one topic you’re interested in, there’s no shortage of groups and activities that are quasi-interest related…but really focused on just “hanging out and meeting new people.”
Meetup.com is great place for groups like this. One meetup group I came across here in San Francisco is called “Bay Area Hiking, Biking, Adventure, Photography and Vino.” Collectively, their events touch on each of those different interests, yet they remain open to all skill, fitness and experience levels.
This makes the events a non-threatening way to simply socialize. As the organizer says, “…All activities are geared to give you guys a fun, healthy, safe, enjoyable, way to meet other people and enjoy each others company, while getting some good exercise.”
Many of the guys who attend Meetup events are young, post-college professionals who either (A) want to meet women or (B) want to meet other guy friends, or (C) want both. So, there’s good chance that social events like this would be a great place to meet other potential guy friends.
4. Join an Organization
Joining an organization can be a great way to meet new guys who could become potential friends. As Brett and Kate from AOM note, a few organizations men can join include:
- Fraternal organizations
- Church organizations
- Sports leagues
- Toastmasters
One of the best things about joining an organization is, while organizations can help focus men’s energies around a common goal or interest, they also force you to interact with people who have different views and backgrounds.
And ironically, in this age of increased communication and options, it’s often easier to find ourselves accidentally gravitating towards like-minded people than to rub shoulders with those who don’t think like we do.
It’s healthy to consider other viewpoints beyond your own. Best case, you expand your mind and change your opinion. Worst case, you reinforce your previous beliefs and (civilly) agree to disagree.
5. Join a Professional Networking Group
You can certainly explore organizations specific to your profession. The nice thing about this is that you get the advantage of having a common interest (your industry)—but without the potential pitfalls of being direct coworkers.
There are also other cross-industry organizations solely for the purpose of networking. I recently met a Distilled Man subscriber, Dennis, who is a true gentleman and “connector.” Dennis introduced me to a networking organization called The Art of Active Networking. The group aims to simply connect people without any specific agenda. As the organizer says, “…people are finding jobs, leaving jobs to follow their dreams, getting dates, creating new ideas, investing in each other getting roommates, clients, connections and discovering a new way to think!”
Groups like this prove that networking doesn’t need to be a dry experience of “talking shop” and then blindly shoving business cards in each others’ hands before you go attack the crab dip. It really can be an opportunity to connect with people on a fundamental personal level.
In fact, as John Corcoran of Smart Business Revolution says, even in a professional networking situation, it’s often best to focus on personal conversation: asking about people’s interests outside of work or about their family or where they’re from. That’s when you see people come alive, when they’re talking about their passions: they may not enjoy talking to you about the latest trends in accounting, but they’ll be excited to tell you about their rafting trip on the Colorado river. Those are the conversations that can establish a business relationship, but also potentially lead to friendships with other guys.
6. Attend Local Events
Check your local event listings for performances, art openings, rodeos, fairs, fundraisers, festivals…Even if it’s just your local paper, there are likely announcements for local events right in your own backyard. But you can also look at sites like Eventbrite. Local events are a great way to simply “get out there” and meet people. The truth is, most of the people attending are there to meet other people—or at least not afraid of making new connections. It’s not hard to simply introduce yourself and strike up a conversation if you do it in a friendly way.
Will you become “besties” with every guy you meet? Hell no. You may not make ANY close friends. But, again, much like in dating, simply getting out there helps increase your chances of making an acquaintance that may eventually turn into a true friendship.
7. Volunteer
Volunteering is a great way to get out of your normal friend/work/family sphere…and potentially connect with new people. Many of the people you meet volunteering are also likely to be more open to connecting with strangers: just by the fact that they’re volunteering their precious time to help others shows that they’re likely more empathetic and less self-focused.
Organizations like the The Red Cross or Volunteer Match can be places to start. But you can also google “volunteer opportunities in [your area].”
8. Connect With People Somewhere You Already Go
Is there a place you regularly go—somewhere you see people on a regular basis, but maybe you haven’t made a connection? A cafe, your regular bus or train route, a bar you frequent, even your gym?
Not all of us can be lucky enough to have the Cheers experience, where “everybody knows your name.” Though there’s a strong argument in favor of every man needing a “third place”—somewhere that’s not work and not home, where we have a community. Certainly it can seem harder these days because even when people are “regulars” at an establishment, they might be too absorbed in their electronic devices to really notice the people around them.
But you’d be surprised at how easy it can be to strike up a conversation with someone in a place like a cafe—especially if it’s someone you often see but have never said hello to. “Hey, you’re the guy who always wears those Skullcandy headphones. I’ve been meaning to grab a pair.”
The key is simply to make the initial connection, without trying to force a friendship at first. Often, breaking the ice once can lay the groundwork for a real relationship to develop over time.
9. Leverage Social Media to “Go Analog”
Odds are you are connected to far more people than you realize through your various social media profiles…and your connections’ connections. But maybe up until this point, you’ve never had a substantial interaction with some of those folks—they may just be a profile pic and a bio, who you occasionally interact with in 140 characters or less.
But what if…[suspenseful music]…(gasp)…you decided to actually meet up with some of these guys in person? Face to face.
It may not always be possible for connections that live on the other side of the country (or world), but there may be opportunities to meet up with contacts that live within a reasonable distance. When writer Bob Gordon was looking to reinvigorate his social life and meet guy friends, he started going to Reddit Meetups. He had an interest in raw denim, and ended up finding a meetup that he drove to, where he met a bunch of new, like-minded guys. Not all of them became lasting friends, but having the in-person interaction definitely helped create a new bond with some of his connections.
10. Get Set Up on a “Blind Date” by a Mutual Friend
Going on friend-of-friend setup “dates” can be a low-risk way to connect with other potential guy friends. Even though the idea of getting set up may seem awkward, it can often take the pressure off meeting new people. To start with, you have a common interest talk about from the get-go: your mutual friend. So starting a conversation is fairly easy. And I’ve personally found that most of my friends who are good people surround themselves with other good people, so I’m rarely disappointed.
11. Crash Parties
Party crashing isn’t for everybody. But if you listen to this interview with Neville Medhora on The Art of Charm podcast, you can’t help but want to give it a try.
Before he became a Kopywriting badass and the “internet marketing version of Aziz Ansari” (according to Jordan at AOC), Neville crashed parties to expand his network.
His goal was more specific than just meeting new friends; he wanted to surround himself with rich and influential people (he was familiar with that adage that you are the average of the 5 people you hang out with most).
Since Neville usually crashed parties alone, quickly making conversation with guests was critical so he wouldn’t stand out. Neville’s “pickup line” for meeting other guys at parties was great: As he’d wait in line at the bar, he’d say something like “5 more people, ugh! I want my booze now! I’m Neville by the way.”
So simple, but it worked!
He would repeat that trick each time he grabbed a drink. And that simple exchange would often turn into multiple connections throughout the night. Inevitably he’d see a guy he met earlier in the evening who’d say “Hey Neville, meet Fred” and on it would go. Pretty soon he’d go from being the guy who came alone to a party he wasn’t invited to…to being the most popular guy of the evening.
Getting Comfortable Establishing Weak Ties
Perhaps the best advice for making friends is to “just get out there” and meet more people any way you can. For many of us, this requires shifting our mindset to focus more on developing “weak ties,” or acquaintances, at first.
In terms of experiencing the full richness that friendship offers, there’s no doubt that quality is better than quantity. If you have 12,000 friends on Facebook but no one to give you a hug when your girlfriend dumps you, then you need to reevaluate your social life.
But the truth is, we can’t exactly plan on who will be come our close friends. It’s a game of chance.
Record labels have the same challenge. They can’t plan on who will be their next multi-platinum artist. They simply have to cultivate a wide swath of bands and hope that one—if they’re lucky—makes it big. Meanwhile, they expect to lose money on the other 10-15 artists on their roster.
We have to have a similar mindset with making guy friends.
We have to get be comfortable simply making initial connections—acquaintances—which may or may not develop into friendships down the line. Can we predict how often those acquaintances will turn into friendships? No. But we also know that without putting ourselves out there and meeting new people, we’re unlikely to make new friends.
Practicing the “Runway” to Friendship
Much of the anxiety that men feel around trying to pursue male friendships seems rooted in the notion that the stakes are higher than they actually are. That by simply having a conversation, they are making themselves vulnerable and opening themselves up to be judged.
As Trevor’s quote below illustrates, we’ve grown accustomed to shrugging off rejection from women, but many of us are still nervous about how to act around men:
I know how to comport myself with women because I practiced hard in high school and in college. I’m wondering if how I carry myself and make conversation is confusing for guys I’m just meeting because I send mixed signals of insecurity or lack of confidence in the conversation itself.”
–Trevor, Distilled Man reader
As we discussed earlier, this nervousness and uncertainty is because we’ve never consciously practiced the “runway” to friendship with men the way we’ve worked on being accepted by women. It just didn’t occur to us.
So, the irony is that we can be (relatively) nonchalant about “just chatting up” a woman. But when we talk to men, we often revert to a binary view of the interaction: “Will he be my friend or not? Will he accept me or not?”
But in reality, the guy you’re talking to probably isn’t judging you. He’s just thinking about keeping up his end of the conversation (and possibly being self-critical in the process).
Or, on the other end of the spectrum, we become dismissive of the interaction because we’re just making small talk and don’t appear to have anything in common.
The key is to get comfortable being in that middle-zone: where you’ve made the introduction, but you’re not friends yet (maybe you never will be, and that’s OK). Because that is the potential runway to friendship.
The more fluent we are within that “uncertain” zone, the more chances we create to develop true friendships with other men.
Embracing The “New Networking”
One of the best ways to make personal connections is through the guise of networking. And this is far easier—and less awkward—now that our understanding of networks is changing.
With employees staying at jobs for shorter periods and as technology has enabled more mobility (and competition) in the workforce, the importance of having a professional network is even clearer. But we’re also seeing less distinction between professional and personal networks. This shouldn’t be surprising given that 40% of Americans are expected to freelancers by 2020. We’re starting to realize that, going forward, we must have at least some sort of network in order to survive.
And with books like The Tipping Point
popularizing the idea of “mavens” or super-connectors, the value of connecting—in a professional or a personal context—is now more widely recognized.
All of this to say that one of the simplest ways to make an acquaintance and potentially develop a relationship is by just asking to “connect.” Often you can start developing a relationship by saying “I’m really interested in finding out more about what you do and your background. Can I buy you some coffee sometime?”
You might feel uneasy asking to connect without having a specific plan. But usually the best thing to do is just focus on helping the other person somehow. And often this means simply introducing to someone else you know who might be useful to them.
As Adam Grant shows us in Give and Take
, this kind of selflessness can actually drive our success in big ways. You can think of it as making a goodwill deposit that may yield a return later.
They may return the favor and help you professionally (or personally)—or maybe not. Regardless, they’ll appreciate your genuine interest in helping them out. And that goodwill may blossom into a deeper connection later on.
Turning Connections into Friendship
Once you’ve established a initial connection, if it seems like there’s mutual “chemistry,” you shouldn’t be afraid to take things to the next level. As writer Bob Gordon notes, all it takes is for one guy to take the initiative and say “You’re cool, I dig you, let’s hang out.”
The “let’s connect over coffee” thing can be a good first step if it’s more of a professional connection. Otherwise, grabbing a drink or going to a show—really any kind of activity that you both might enjoy—can work. When you ask, as long as you’re open, honest, and confident about it, the other guy will respect you for having the cojones to invite him. And the worst thing that can happen is he’ll just say no.
But since so many men recognize that they could use more male friends, odds are he’ll be open to hanging out. After all, you’re not talking about going steady—you’re just talking about “two dudes hanging out being dudes.”
Next Steps:
Put Yourself Out there, Be Interested, and Be Likeable
As you can see, once you get over the fear of “getting out there” and talking to other men, there’s no end to the different ways you can make connections, which may turn into friends later on.
Ultimately, the best way to get comfortable seeking out new connections is to practice: to do it over and over. To build the habit of connecting with people….Without any specific agenda.
Say hello to people (men and women). Engage them. Make conversation. Take an interest in their lives. You may become friends or you may never see each other again.
Will everyone want to talk to you? No. But usually that won’t have anything to do with what they think of you—it’s more likely to do with what they think of themselves.
Plus, there are fundamental techniques you can use to make yourself more successful and connecting with people. Let’s face it: Humans aren’t that complicated. Connecting with them isn’t a mystery.
A great place to start is Dale Carnegie’s “Six Ways to Make People Like You” from How to Win Friends & Influence People
:
- Become genuinely interested in other people.
- Smile.
- Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
- Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
- Talk in terms of the others person’s interests.
- Make the other person feel important—and do it sincerely.
And now, in the spirit of connection, I have two favors to ask:
- Please leave a comment below and let me know what you thought. Anything I missed? Any tips you want to share?
- Then, please send this article to one friend who might find it helpful.
Thanks for your help! Cheers!
Note: some of the links above are Amazon affiliate links, meaning if you buy the books through the link I get a small commission (at no extra charge to you). But I would recommend these books regardless.
Thanks for this article. When I started reading I wasn’t expecting it to be so well-written and informative, but I was pleasantly surprised.
Please post these articles to Facebook! Articles like these are the reason I use Facebook, and I would love to see yours on there as well.
Keep up the good work!
Thanks so much, Ryan! Really glad you enjoyed the article. Cheers!
great article, kyle
thanks Marcos!
I second the thank you for writing this article. I found it very helpful in giving me a place to start creating new and solid relationships with other guys. We get so caught up in our work, wives and kids, we forget that we need to also just “be a guy” sometimes. Thanks again!
So glad you enjoyed it! Thanks Adam.
You created an extensive piece of content that should help any man out there make new friends, with no problem!
What helps me with connecting with other guys out there are definitely interesting conversations that will probably involve certain similar interests.
And, last thing, just be you! It that simple sometimes.
– Samuel Pustea
Thanks Samuel! You’re absolutely right: you’ve got to be comfortable just being you. That’s key! Keep it simple…
Very true. I am part of a church group and it has helped me develop that. At work, we also try to have social functions. At a personal level, I interact with what I call friends of friends which helps me easily meet new people.
It is all about practice
A very good and useful article. Thank you
Thanks Peter! Glad you found it helpful.
Good article. It’s very true, I have an easier time talking to women. Being married for so many years and then now going through a divorce has opened my eyes to how little male friendships I have. Those once close to me all have families and lives of their own. Starting over in a city where I know so few and a new job where I am 10-15 years younger than my coworkers has made it hard to meet people.
I have joined meetup, and you hit the nail right on the head. It is a good way to socialize. I have found that I am approached by women mostly. This is not a bad thing, but it is not what I am looking for.
i will follow your suggestions, read the books you mentioned, and we shall see where this all goes.
Hopefully I will make some really good lasting connections.
Thanks
Thanks Joe! Glad you found it helpful!
Nice to find this article, it’s always good to know that other men are confused about this kind of stuff too. Lot’s of good hints to, genuine interest is the best. Would be cool to hear success stories
Men are simple yet so complicated. I think what can’t be stressed enough is what’s socially acceptable. What will he think? How will I be perceived?
I’ve had several occasions to meet potential friends. I really don’t have a shy bone in my body. So I’ve met guys, talked with them, met up for a drink… Sometimes the problem is sustaining the friendship — keeping the momentum going with all that “life” that gets in the way.
But these friendships are so important. It’s important for men to be with men, especially for unburdening yourself, sharing common experiences to know you’re not alone, and becoming a better man (role modeling for each other, competing, etc).
Thanks for the article. Very much needed.
Thanks Ryan!
Kyle
Thank you so much for writing this. I found myself in tears at one point. I have not developed any lasting friendships since college, and have found that I have always paid attention to the skills necessary to meet women but have always been intimidated by other men. Deep childhood stuff I’m sure. You nailed it man!
John
Hey John, thanks so much for the kind words. I’m glad you found it helpful!
I have jade the same problem
Hey, Kyle, Enjoyed the article. Maybe I got stuck in the “competition mode” of the courting days or maybe I just have an honest dislike of many guys, the way they conduct themselves, and the things they want to dwell on. I have little use for sports and the things that used to bind me to them, but since I DO want more guy friends, perhaps I’ll be looking for guys who are a little more cerebral, liberal, sensitive, and not misogynist. Say, if you are ever in the San Diego area, let me know and we can hang! haha… No seriously, let me know. Take care.
Thanks Bob! I think you highlight a good point: a lot of guys might avoid making friends with other guys who, on the surface, don’t seem to have the same values or personality type as they do. For instance, you might avoid hanging out with someone who loves sports–but the truth is, tons of guys who like sports are also cerebral, sensitive and not misogynistic. I’m not saying you should focus on making friends with guys who like sports. Point is, pretty much all of us feel like our true self/true personality goes deeper than our surface-level interests. And that’s the beauty of it: if you end up making friends with someone in the context of a specific activity, if you have chemistry your friendship is rarely going to stay confined to that interest. Most of my good friends are guys who I just feel are fundamentally good people–some of them like sports WAY more than I do, but they accept that about me…and we still have a good time hanging out.
friendship expected with love and regards throughout life
Thanks for this article! It was incredibly helpful. I’ve always been a girlfriend kind of guy. Most of my friends are girls and Ive always had a hard time connecting with guys. When I started college I was introduced to a dude and we hit it off. He went on to become my best friend. Since then though he’s moved 14 hours away and that bro companionship has been missed. Still I was in Wal-Mart looking at movies the other day and was approached by guy. He introduced himself and just started talking. At first I was really put off and was waiting for the punchline (asking for money or something equally as off putting). But as the conversation continued I realized that this guy was actually pretty cool and I started opening up. We ended up exchanging our info and went our separate ways. Now I’m sitting here trying to decide if I should invite him to hang out. Which after your article I think I will. Thanks
Thanks Dewayne! So glad you found the article helpful.
Nice article but from own experience, if you work in corporate world, never under any reason make friends at your work place. You are going to jeopardize youself and your labour in exchange of little return. You know the famous “don´t shit where eat” for love relations at workplace, should expand the “proverb” for friendship too.
I agree with you about avoiding romantic relationships at work, aka “don’t dip your pen in the company ink well.” But I think life is too short to avoid making friends in place where you spend so many of your waking hours.
Thanks for the tips on friendship, I personally find it difficult to make friends. I will try my best to really work on myself. I met a guy in my University, he is one of the senior lecturer and I am one of the mature students at this Uni. I am about four years older than him, but he is a very nice guy. He has bought me drink once, help me with a project and even gave me a ticket for the upcoming graduate show in London. But sincerely I don’t know how to respond to all his kind gesters, I really like to be his friend, I always admire humble and friendly people. Can you please help me with some tips on how to make him my friend.
Thanks for the tips, I have been finding it difficult to make new friends since I’ve moved two years ago.
Any other hints/tips I’m 26 and am also very talkative which tends to drive people a bit mad but I can’t help it, every night I go home to an empty house with no one to talk to (aside from my girlfriend who didn’t live with me) and have recently been diagnosed with sever Depression/anxiety…
I probably sound like a bit of a weirdo/complainer but am desperate for friends..
Thanks Paul–glad you found the article helpful! Hang in there. Sounds like you just need to get out of your comfort zone and get out and meet new people. You won’t click with all of them, but it certainly increases your odds of meeting people you might ultimately connect with.
I have found that one of the best places that I have made friends is at my health club. I have made many close male friends, many younger than I but still lots of fun to be around and have dinner and drinks sometimes. I’m not a health nut, but train regularly and am on a first name basis with over 16 of the members from my present club and about 8 from a former club.
This is a really great article–the best on this topic that I’ve seen. I’m in my mid-40s and straight but unmarried. I don’t really seek out guy friendships but see guys who seem pretty cool at my gym and was curious as to how to turn “hellos” into friendships. Now I know!
Thanks Chris! Glad you found it helpful!
I have really been in a negative headspace around this very issue. I have friends, but time, distance, work,children, and just life in general have made those relationships difficult to maintain. In the meantime it feels like I have no friends and that my interests are of no interest to anyone else. I think your article really puts it all into perspective. The friendships I have were established over a long period of time. It doesn’t happen overnight. If you are going to meet new people you have to expect that it’s not going to work out every time. It’s just hard when the friendships you’re accustomed to having are more deeply rooted. Thank you for writing this article and sharing your insights.
Thanks Ira!
Thanks for a great article Kyle!
After I became a father I suddenly felt a strong need to make more male friends (as I lost many when I moved to another country and got married). With some guys it takes more time to connect than with others. Sometimes it’s hard to decide if you want to invest more time into building a connection. When do you think is the right point to decide whether you want to leave everything as it is or continue trying to become friends? Is a lack of initiative from the other party always a sign of no interest?
thanks Alex! Great question. I think a lack of initiative on the other person’s part is not necessarily a bad sign–it could just be that they are very busy or shy. Sometimes I’ve had times where I’ve been too busy to plan social outings, and I’ve appreciated when people have been persistent trying to plan time with me. But, if you feel like you continue not getting anything back from those guys, maybe it is time to move on. While it takes effort to make and maintain connections, it shouldn’t feel like hard work.
Hello, I congratulate you on a well-written article. Actually, I’m researching the problem of international male students who seemingly always find it difficult to make friends with American men. I found your article extremely helpful. I’ll reference it as I put together some tips for international students who are men. Thanks for what you have done!
Thanks Flora!
I HATE that we can’t just go up to each other and say “Will you be my friend?”.
I look at 6 year olds and can’t help but wonder why we thought it was important that we make that question awkward as we get older…
I’m 36 – if another guy came up to me and said “hey, we should be friends,” then I’d be pee-my-pants excited…
Can’t we all just agree that the 6 year olds knew what the hell they were doing and we grew up and became idiots?
Well said, Phil!
It’s scary how much I can relate to this article right now. I’m in my early 30s, and most of my good male friends from college and prior have married, had children and moved away. I’m single and have done none of those things yet (but am actively dating). I still talk to them from time to time, but circumstances and people change, and as you have less in common, you just drift apart. But I’ve maintained some of those friendships, even if I don’t see them nearly as often.
I’ve been trying to make new male friends, as I’ve been pretty lonely. I’ve met a few at my local health club. One has become a pretty good friend, but even he might move away, so I’m pretty bummed. With a few others, it’s hard to know how to proceed as we’re still in the early stages of transitioning from “acquaintance/friend” to “good friend.” Especially when these guys are also in relationships, like with women, I don’t want to come off as too needy too soon. So sometimes, I’ll just bite the bullet and spend Saturday night alone, because I don’t want to ask to hang out (that should start coming from them at some point).
I guess what I’m saying is that this article has given me some pointers (much of it I already knew and was doing) and has at least made me feel like I’m not alone in this.
John, thanks for your comment. What you are experiencing is definitely very common. And I know what you mean about not wanting to seem to needy when initiating stuff with those new friends/acquaintances. But sometimes if you get in the right frame of mind, you can actually come across as more confident–not needy at all–if you start putting yourself out there and being the first to initiate. Most of the time the other guy probably wants to hang out too, but is hesitant to make the first move for the same reasons you are.
You make a good point, and it is something I will ponder, about coming across as more confident when making the first move. I’ve done that successfully a few times. But with one or two guys in particular (both “early stages” in the “friend process”), I’ve done all the initiation so far. So I’m trying to back off a bit and see if they come to me. I’ve also been trying to let some time pass in between texting so I don’t come off as too needy.
I think a big part of why I’ve felt particularly lonely lately is a combination of a lack of a girlfriend and good guy friends to hang with. Many of my more recent male “friends/acquaintances” (only one of which I can actually call a “good friend”) also have girlfriends and other friends (since some are younger, they’re at different places in their lives, and so it’s easier). So they don’t “need” me as much as I sorta do them.
Definitely can be tricky making male friends as a guy after a certain age!
Makes sense. Hang in there…
I’m surprised to learn so many other men feel the same way I do about this.
I’ll say that one of the biggest issues with approaching other men is being worried that they’ll think I’m hitting on them and subsequently totally turning them “off”. I’m wondering how many others feel that way. Personally, straight or gay friends, it doesn’t matter to me, however unfortunately I think it’s a big issue for most straight guys.
Great article and thanks for the tips!
Thanks Dustin!
Women worry about not measuring up to other women as well. I tend to choose people that look like the won’t judge me.
Thanks for the woman’s perspective, Summer!
Kyle,
Thanks for the article. I’m struggling meeting people. Hopefully your tips help.
Hey Kyle,
I really enjoyed your article. Like the other men have said, I too was happily surprised to see I wasn’t the only “loner” out there. For me, there have been many times I would have liked to reach out to a male friend or maybe he was just a good acquaintance? My fear or concern was “will I be bothering him”? I know I don’t like some one to just drop in with out a heads up and then I think “what if he’s busy watching a game or a movie if I call on the phone”? Like you stated in your article, we just seem to want to chill out on our own on the weekends and I tend to believe that’s what keeps me from making contact with other men. I’ve actually said this to my wife – “I wonder, besides family, who would come to my funeral”? This is where getting involved in groups, volunteering and so on will help to develop friends both male and female who actually care about you (not just to have people at your funeral). I was also glad to read of other men finding it easier to talk with women than men. I always questioned myself about that thinking “am I being too feminine”?
Thanks Michael!
I totally get you man. I probably only have two male friends if I’m honest and I rarely see one of them and the other is my flat mate. I’ve always thought I come across as too feminine despite being a complete gym bro. But it is really hard to talk to other guys. I’ve noticed small talk drags on way longer with them and its much more difficult to break the barrier and just relax and enjoy the conversation. I hope you get those extra few dudes at your funeral man (I mean that in the least creepy way as possible :P).
Great article man, It’s good to know I’m not the only dude who finds trouble talking to other guys. Talking to girls is easy, they tend to love the attention (and I like giving it) so forming friendships with girls has never been hard. Anyway, totally relate to this article, keep up the good work and thanks for the tips.
Thanks Nathan!
I am also in the same predicament like most others in their later years after college. It wouldn’t be the same like in college days where you just tag along your buddies whevere/whenever you want to do gimmicks. Now, you have to make appointments w/ your colleagues just to have companions for simple activity like going to work out in a gym, or to have anyone to mentain your sane every weekend.
Thanks Gilbert!
Well done. I found your article by searching google “how guys can make guy friends”.
I miss male companionship I had with friends when I was younger. I envy my wife who has girl friends she talks to regularly or goes to dinner with and can chat for hours.
I sometimes suffer from anxiety and I have read that hanging out with buds more often would help with that. Problem is old friends are busy with work or family or have moved away.
Thanks again for your article, I hope to find some new friends with your advice!
Thanks Greg. So glad you found it helpful!
Hey Kyle,
A great article with some sound advice. I have the added challenge of being gay, yet wanting to cultivate friendships with straight guys. I have not had any significant friendship with another guy since junior high school. I don’t live a gay lifestyle nor do I keep gay friends, because it’s not the life I want to live anymore. It’s a real challenge for me talking to straight guys because I have a lot of feelings of inadequacy around them, but I strongly feel the need for intimacy with guys in ways that are not sexual.
Thanks Sean, I’m glad you found it helpful! As I mention in the article, I think a lot of guys sometimes feel a sense of inadequacy around other guys. But we are always our own worst critics. 99% of the time, the other guy isn’t judging you, he’s probably judging himself. For you, it sounds like it might help to simply dive into your interests, and meet other guys through activities. If your relationship is first anchored in some tangible activity, like craft beer brewing (for example), that may put you both at ease and allow the friendship to evolve in a non-threatening way.
Thanks, Kyle. I will do as you suggest.
Thanks for bringing this subject matter out of the darkness. My problem isn’t so much the meeting people as I have put myself out there is various groups and social settings. My problem is that I feel like it is always me that has to make the first step. I know, I am the one that wants some friends, but other I figure that other people are in these groups for similar reasons. But let’s just say for the sake of conversation that I reach out first. It seems that eventually, the responsibility for maintaining the friendship is shared. For the few friends I have, it feels like it is me that does the heavy lifting. If we get together, it is me that initiates the meetup. Not just occasionally, but always. I once tried, unsuccessfully, to communicate to my buddy that I have had he and his wife over the house multiple times, never to receive an invitation. But he didn’t pick up on my inference, instead asked what I was trying to say. I just dropped it. So maybe, your next article, if you haven’t written it already, would be how to be a good friend, how to maintain a friendship, what to do or say if you are the only one working to maintain the friendship. Thanks!
Thanks Chris, glad you found it helpful. I think many of us can relate to what you’re experiencing as far as feeling like you’re doing all the heavy lifting in the friendship. Thank you for the suggestion–the art of maintaining a friendship is definitely a worthy topic.
Thanks for the write up! As a psychologist and a individual_ I give is two thumps up! keep us the good work.
Thanks so much, Victor!
Kyle, I’m a retired college professor, feeling a bit lonely for those younger people. It’s not a simple thing to bridge to younger women, and I’m married and not really interested in them so much. I’m taking a studio class where I do meet people, and especially enjoy conversation with men. Recently, I met one and we both seem to enjoy hanging out and easy conversation about topics we both see as important. I do have tons more resources and also time on my hands. The last main experience we had was me helping him prepare for an exam in one of his other classes. I found it very interesting, and he was very receptive and sure to express his appreciation, a behavior not so common in younger people today. The same when my wife and I had him over for dinner, very appreciative toward my wife. I have to admit that I have this longing to spend more time with him than perhaps vise versa, hard to tell. I realize the importance of maintaining a balance, and struggle with it a bit. We also explored our opinions on major political issues, mostly by my asking him for his thoughts. It was more than surprising to learn that his opinions are so similar to mine. Please make suggestions to keep me on a balanced track. I definitely don’t want him to think I’m “chasing” him. As you suggest, married men are almost impossible because of their developed commitments. Very good article. Thanks!
Hey Steve, thanks so much for the kind words about the article! Glad you found it helpful. Regarding your specific question, I think it’s a tough thing to know whether you are “coming on too strong” with a potential guy friend. But if that thought has crossed your mind, especially coupled with the fact that you know you crave more friendships, it wouldn’t hurt to back off a little. I’m not saying to avoid your friend, but perhaps to try and cultivate a more distanced, relaxed view of your relationship with him. If you extend an invitation and he accepts, great. If not, no big deal. If you end up being slightly more than acquaintances, great. If you grow into close friends, even better. But actively worrying about the status of your relationship at this stage probably doesn’t help you, and worst case it may even scare off your friend. Keep putting yourself out there confidently and without overthinking it; I think that’s the best thing you can do. Hope that helps!
All the way from Nigeria. This article is so richly packed. I’m a blogger too, and I’ll follow your works.
Thanks Bismark! I appreciate the complement…especially coming from a fellow blogger!
Kyle,
Great article, man. My life brought me the tri-blessings of a wife from Europe (Spain), a daughter who is bicultural and bilingual, and multilingualism in myself along with a business in the language service field. I am a very happy, lucky guy.
My wife comments to me all the time on the nature of American friendships as adults, both male and female. She comments on the complete and utter lack of spontaniety. Having lived most of my life in the US but a lot of time in Spain and touring other European nations, I have noticed that she is 100% correct.
It gets “pesado” as is said in Spanish – annoying – to constantly have to check schedules, plan things 3 weeks in advance, etc. The Spanish culture is highly conducive to kids and parents getting together. In Spain, it is OK for kids to go to bars with their parents. The kids run around neighborhood bars and everyone sort of watches them and makes sure they don’t spill a beer on their own heads.
In America, this would cause the mainstream crowd (former jocks and cheerleaders of high school) to lose their minds and declare a federal law suit. For this American, I am totally fine with this. I have seen it in action. Kids do NOT get hurt. Parents are able to socialize spontaneously. Everyone wins.
The fact that your article is so long tells me something. It tells me that in America, we have gotten so far away from socializing in a healthy way. One of the highlighted box comments in your article features an interviewee talking about how he feels that talking to another dude in a bar is “bizarre”.
Why? We are people. People are social animals. Everyone has a story. Just talk without fear. I attribute American social paranoia to 9/11. After that national tragedy, you could feel the palpable decay of trust and spontaneous conversation. People are happy enough in their groups, but a “stranger” entering the crowd… oh, no, no… we cannot have this. He/she might be – fill in the blank. Dangerous, evil, different, weird, etc.
Our paranoia has a tiring effect on those of us who see through it and see how utterly pointless it is to live life wrapped up in a bubble of fear.
We should take a lesson from the Spaniards on this one. We do not do everything perfectly in the USA. That has been made clear over the past 30 years. We can take cues from other people whose cultures have existed longer than ours. They are not better people. It’s just that their culture as a whole has “seen the movie of life” for a much longer time.
They know intimately that people are just people. Most of us just want to sit down, chill out, and drink a beer. There are no ulterior motives.
It is a shame that we hamstring ourselves in forming new relationships as adults.
It is equally a pity that a brilliant writer like you has to put together a 15 page article explaining the overly complex world of American adult friendships.
Wishing you and your readers fulfillment in their adult friendships and wishing that they enjoy more spontaneity and ease in forming new ones.
Cheers,
Dwight
Dwight…or should I call you “Jedi Master Dwight”? :-)…thank you so much for your eloquent comment. I couldn’t agree more with that observation: what our social lives lack as adults is spontaneity. Just being able to “hang” with each other on a whim–like we used to as kids, and even through high school and college.
I also love the idea of integrating kids into the adult friendship mix. I see so many people who use their first kid as an excuse to shut down their social life. But like you said, it doesn’t have to be that way. I agree with you that kids are “durable” and they’re not going to get hurt or corrupted by hanging out with parents when they’re with other adults. I also love the more family oriented “pub-culture” that bars in Europe have–even if kids are around alcohol at a young age, it likely gives them a more responsible outlook on how to drink so they develop a healthy view of it (rather than it being something forbidden that later becomes a vice).
It is sad to see how hard socializing can be in adulthood. But I am actually optimistic that people can get past that if they become aware of it…and that maybe our culture could even evolve to support that.
Anyway, thank you again for the great perspective!
All the guys on here seem to have such similar feelings and experiences with the challenges of making and maintaining male friendships in adulthood. It almost seems like a good idea if we left contact information and area of residence. But then trying to meet people online has always felt a bit like cheating compared with the art of striking up conversations in person. Plus craigslist strictly platonic was a facilitator for making friends but often seemed to veer more to the pervs, and now it’s been shut down. I will try being more bold at the gym which has sometimes worked. Unfortunately as a 39 year old married man who often gets mistaken for anywhere between the ages of 25-29, it’s hard to make friends with guys in my actual stage of life. I talk easily with older men and am open to conversations with younger men but I really crave acceptance and deep friendship with a real peer. I can be full of confidence especially at work. But I definitely have adequacy challenges, despite having served as a Marine and been deployed to Iraq. I am not athletic beyond working out and am not usually able to carry on a conversation about sports. I’m also busy enough that I don’t have traditionally male hobbies other than working out. Plus my dad wasn’t a guy’s guy and I didn’t take the initiative to get into hunting or fishing, etc. although I’d be open to those activities. That really limits things and I don’t want to pretend to be someone I’m not. Made great make friends in the Corps but we’re all fairly spread apart and busy. Frustrating. Honestly when I was going through problems in my marriage I felt the lack of close male friends very acutely. I want someone to be tough with me and keep me in line and that I can do the same for and just be honest with about shit that bothers me. I interact mostly with my wife socially and she thinks I’m too aggressive (I’m not). We have a great relationship and enjoy each other, but I do think we rely on each too much for all aspects of friendship. I just don’t think you fully grow as a person that way.
Matt, thanks so much for weighing in!
Wow, aside from your Corps experience, this 42 year old guy mirrors your life! Where you at?
Thanks for the post, I really enjoyed the thorough explanation and steps to take in different scenarios!
Thanks Dakota! So glad you found it helpful.
I’ve been maintaining a friendship with another guy for about four years now. This friendship just kind of happened with brief interactions while we were co-workers and then gradually we discovered shared interests and experiences that helped it keep growing. But, let me tell you, it has been a fight all the way!
Despite serious obstacles, we’ve stayed in touch and remain decently close friends (I think at least. I have visited regularly at his workplace. I try to space out the visits enough that I don’t seem obsessive. It’s a relaxed environment, so I can help out with small things while we talk.
Still, I’m very worried that I will go too far in my intentionality and end up pushing him away… I’m usually the one who takes initiative to stay in touch, though he does on occasion. But he’s also much more busy than I am. I text him to check if it’s a good day to visit before showing up, and he’ll usually say it’s fine or offer a reasonable explanation of why it won’t work out. Yet, I can’t help feeling like I’m just being a pesky fly… Does he just tolerate me or does he really want to stay in touch? We have a good time talking and laughing and sharing about our latest experiences… Still, at times I doubt and want to ask him straight up “Do you actually consider me a friend or am I just forcing this?” But I don’t dare ask because he may confirm that I’m being a pest despite all my efforts not to be. I have almost zero self-confidence!
Also, this may sound completely pathetic, but how do you decide when it’s okay to give a male friend a hug, or even request one? Some days I could really use it, but I suspect he’ll just laugh at the idea… Up until now, any physical contact has been strictly handshakes and bumping into each other by accident. But after four years, I think (maybe?) it’s not a ridiculous thought. I don’t mean anything long and drawn out, but more personal than a handshake. Thoughts?
Hey Sam,
I wouldn’t automatically take it as a negative that you are always the one initiating things–it could be that he’s just a really busy guy, sucks at planning, or is just oblivious about trying to initiate contact, even though he might enjoy seeing you when he hangs out with you. At the same time, if you find that in general, you’re not getting enough back from him as a friend, maybe you do need to back off. I’d also encourage you to try and “get out of your head” about the status of the relationship–and certainly stop thinking that you are inferior to him. Just like with romantic relationships, if one person feels needy in their head, that can sometimes come across. You have no reason to worry. You are both just two adult men who hang out with each other if you both want to. I’d encourage you to be in the moment about spending time with this guy. If you want to hang out with him or see him, reach out. If he declines or seems disinterested, then it’s not going to happen. But that’s no reflection on you. Worst case, maybe you just don’t have chemistry together as friends. Life’s too short to hang around with people who don’t appreciate you. As far as the hug thing, I think you have to take a similar stance of confidence. If you think the moment is right, go in for the hug. If you’re both secure enough in your masculinity, it shouldn’t be a big deal. If he seems uncomfortable or makes a negative comment about it, then maybe it’s not something he’s comfortable with. But again, you shouldn’t take that as rejection of you–it could just be that hugging dudes makes him uneasy because he’s not as comfortable in his masculinity as you are. Hope this helps. Good luck!
You make a lot of good points. The chemistry is definitely there. I know he’s almost always tired or preoccupied, so the fact that he gives me any time at all I think is an indication that he does appreciate me. I overthink things all the time. It’s definitely a gene I inherited!
I’ll take your advice on the hug thing and try it when it makes sense. If he pulls away or acts awkward about it, I’ll just give him that space. Thanks for helping to reassure me that this isn’t a ridiculous or weird idea.
Thanks so much for this article. Several of your tips I’m already doing. I rediscovered a love for fishing by picking up fly fishing. I love it and it’s given me a whole new network of people, including a trout/cold water conservation group, I’m trying to build friendships with. Reading your article has given me more boldness to take more risks to initiate connecting with people. I’m not ready to crash parties but I’m not as shy as I’ve been in showing up at connection groups without knowing anyone.
Hey Mike, glad you found the article helpful. And that’s great that you’re already using some of the strategies!
I keep coming back to this article (I posted previously), and I find that it really helps keep my feelings on things in check. Lately I’ve been sortra feeling like I don’t have a “crew” of long-standing friendships with many guys. I have a good amount of very good male acquaintances, and a few “good/very good” guy friends, but I don’t see them as often as I’d like. Part of that is conflicting adult schedules, but the main thing I think that makes me feel it more is that I’m single where pretty much all of my friends are in either in long-term relationships or married (we’re all late 20s/early-to-mid 30s). So I guess they’re more important in my life than I am in theirs – and I mostly understand that. I feel like this “rift” developed between myself and my married friends over the years; I can of course still call/text them, but I guess we don’t have that common ground of college/early post-college era anymore (and of course, they’re parents and I’m not). And then I feel weird about always reaching out and seeming desperate, so I try not to do that.
The last few years, I’ve worked hard to develop new male friends, and I’d say I’ve been decently successful. I often feel like I’m doing the heavy lifting, but I’ve learned to make it seem that I’m relaxed about the friendship (even though I often stress over it), and so they do reach out as well. I struggle with recurring feelings of inadequacy (have my whole life, but I’m very self-aware of it now, and I think I do a pretty good job of hiding it and living in the moment), so sometimes I feel as though these guys don’t need/value me as much. I think most of it is in my head, and so I try to bring myself back to that “relaxed about the friendship” feeling, and it helps a bit. Sometimes it seems as though others have “perfect lives” and I’m on the outside looking in, but I’m pretty good at taking myself out of that mindset (nothing/no one is “perfect”).
I guess I just wish I had a “crew” that I could always rely on. I know it gets harder as we get older with scheduling, people change/move away, etc. Nice to know I’m not the only one who struggles with this.