When you go through a dry spell in your dating life, it’s easy to think “ah well, I just need to wait till the right person comes along.”
That could be true, but what if there’s something deeper going on?
What if you’re sabotaging yourself without even realizing it?
Many guys repeat the same dating mistakes over and over. Here are 4 unconscious dating mistakes that, if you’re making them, are almost certainly ruining your chances with women:
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1. You Don’t Put Your Best Foot Forward
Whether you want to believe it or not, women make snap judgments about you based on the way you dress, and the way you carry yourself.
It took me a long time to understand this idea, and I didn’t want to believe it.
I thought, if a woman is going to turn me down because of some superficial thing like the way I dress, then she’s shallow…and why would I want to date her.
But the truth is, we all make snap judgments about people. Why? Because the surface details about a person are more than surface details.
They tell a story, almost instantaneously. But not in the way you think…
If a man is well groomed and deliberate about his outfit and his appearance, it shows purposefulness—or at least that he cares enough to take care of himself.
On the other hand, if a man doesn’t seem like he cares about his appearance, it looks like he doesn’t hold himself in very high regard.
And if a woman thinks you don’t care about yourself, why should she care about you?
But here’s the part you need to understand: it’s not about what you’re wearing on the surface—you don’t need fancy or expensive clothes—what’s important is the message you send to the outside world.
Guys who care for their appearance will tell you they don’t do it just to look better—they do it because it makes them feel better.
When you’ve taken time to look your best, your mindset changes, and your body language changes. And as we’ll talk about in a minute, that can be a huge factor when you’re around women.
If you don’t take the time to care about your appearance, you could be unconsciously sending a message to yourself—and to women—about your self-worth.
So why not put your best foot forward? Will it guarantee your success when approaching women? No, but it sure will make you feel better while trying, and that alone may improve your chances.
2. You Think Attraction is a Conscious Choice
Most of us guys are complete idiots when it comes to this.
Think about those times when you’ve been around a woman you’re attracted to.
All of the sudden your mind starts racing…Your palms get sweaty…
And then, the biggest mistake of all: you scour your brain for all the reasons she should like you.
- I’m in pretty decent shape. That’s a plus.
- I’ve got a great career—not rich, but I make good money.
- I’m a really nice guy—very polite and attentive…
So when you actually approach her, it’s almost like you have this “campaign” ready for why you’re awesome dating material.
It may not even be conscious, but you try to play up these so-called “strengths” while you’re around her.
And even worse, you try to be chivalrous to the point where it’s almost laughable—insisting on buying her every single drink and attending to her every need: “Oh, do you need a tissue for your mascara? I can go to the bathroom and grab one for you…”
Don’t get me wrong. Attentiveness and chivalry are good. But when you go overboard you come off as awkward or too intensely focused on her.
Why does it backfire?
Because all of your actions are based on the false assumption that she can consciously choose to be attracted to you.
According to dating expert David DeAngelo, you can’t convince a woman to be attracted to you—attraction can only be triggered. Attraction isn’t a choice, it happens on a much more subtle, basic level.
So how is it triggered? Here’s a clue:
According to David, women are 10 times more sensitive to body language and flirting cues than men. So while you’re spending all this time focusing on the surface-level reasons you’re great dating material—trying to say the right thing, do the right thing—she sees right through it.
She sees the real you, through the subtleties of body language. Heck, she can even tell instantly when you think she’s out of your league.
You’ll never be able to convince a woman to be attracted to you by consciously touting all your positive qualities. But when she can sense on a visceral level that you are confident in yourself—and comfortable in your own skin—that’s what can truly trigger attraction.
3. Your Confidence Lacks a Reason to Believe
If you haven’t noticed yet, there’s a common theme here: confidence.
I know it might sound like the usual line of empty advice: “all you need to do is be more confident around women, and you’ll get way more dates.”
As anyone who’s ever felt insecure or depressed knows, it’s pretty hard to just summon confidence out of thin air. You can’t just be more confident.
In truth, what you need is “a reason to believe.”
In the world of marketing and advertising, this is one of the classic lessons you’ll hear from legends like David Ogilvy.
When you’re marketing a product, you can’t just say “Brand X. It’s the best!” Sure, that’s what you want people to think and feel. But without a reason to support why it’s the best, it’s a hollow promise.
Instead, you need to give them reasons it’s the best. Unique features, benefits—something substantial to sink their teeth into. Brand X Air Conditioner is the best because of its unique laser-etched coil system that gives you ultimate cool comfort.
Is a laser-etched coil system good? I don’t know, but by providing that point as a reason to believe, it makes the quality of the product more believable.
You need to use that same marketing technique for your inner game.
In the case of confidence, you need evidence to convince yourself of your worth. You may know that being more confident will make you more attractive to women. But without “reasons to believe,” you’ll be hard pressed to exhibit true confidence.
Tip of the hat to my buddy Brock at The Modest Man whose video was another inspiration for this point. As Brock reminds us, you need substance behind your confidence.
Instead of trying to “be confident,” build your confidence by trying to improve yourself in every way you can:
- Start to improve your appearance and the way you dress, like I mentioned above
- Start exercising regularly so you feel healthier and think more clearly
- Set goals for things that are meaningful to you, like running a marathon or giving back to a charity
- Challenge yourself to learn and excel at your job
If you can do things like this for yourself and truly enjoy the process, they become your reasons to believe—in essence, the foundation for true confidence.
And the beauty of this approach is that you don’t need to “reach the summit” with these pursuits in order to boost your confidence. Often, it is enough to know that you are simply on the path towards being the man you want to be.
4. You Think Courting is an Innate Skill
The final dating mistake is something many guys are guilty of on an unconscious level:
We falsely believe that our courting ability is fixed and can never be improved.
We think that somehow all our interactions with women come down to chemistry, timing, chance…or other variables that are too mysterious for us to control.
Of course, psychologists talk about this phenomenon outside of the dating world: the difference between a fixed mindset and a growth mindset.
People with a fixed mindset believe their potential is set from birth and that they have little or no ability to improve it.
I’m just terrible at basketball/math/taxidermy/[insert subject].
With a growth mindset, on the other hand, people believe they can continue expanding their abilities through hard work, learning, and deliberate practice.
In the dating world, if you’re constantly striking out but you see other guys hitting home runs, you might start questioning your innate ability. I’m just lousy at talking to women! I don’t have “the gift.”
Do some guys have more natural talent when talking to women? Sure, just like anything else. But dating ability and talking to women is not just something you’re born with. It’s a skill that can be honed over time.
The Humble Beginnings of a Dating Expert
Before David DeAngelo became a big-time dating expert, he was like many of us guys. Awkward, insecure, nervous around women…
And for years, he endured the pain of trying to talk to women he was interested in and failing.
Until one day he had a breakthrough.
He started hanging out with a new group of guys. These guys were from all different walks of life—different careers, different interests—but they all had one thing in common: they seemed to be “naturals” when it came to talking to women. They had a confidence you could sense immediately.
As David watched these guys work in bars, he was amazed at what he saw, because they did the complete opposite of what he’d been doing for years.
Instead of trying to be “nice guys”—which was David’s usual M.O.—they would act almost a little cocky, teasing women they met.
One guy would go up to women and immediately say “I think you should buy me a drink.”
David was horrified by his friend’s approach.
But instead of slapping him, the woman would start to laugh. And within a minute or so, she would actually buy him a drink…and before long they’d be exchanging numbers.
Becoming a Student of the Dating Game
At first, David thought this playful approach was working because it showed that these guys weren’t intimidated by women, and it showed that they could make the women laugh—which is a desirable quality according to most women.
That was true, but as he watched, David realized what they were actually doing: each guy was was showing women that he was the kind of guy who was confident, in control of his world, and having fun—and also a guy who could take control of the situation and help them (women) have more fun in life too.
After studying these men, David realized that all this time, being a nice guy had been killing his success with women. He had been treating women as if they had a choice to be attracted to him—that somehow he could convince them by being nice and attentive.
Soon he started trying some of these new techniques himself and was amazed at the outcome—the results were night and day from what he had always experienced.
The Student Becomes the Master
Of course, this lightbulb moment led to a period of intense study and practice. And David later went on to become one of the most well-known experts in the dating and relationship space—eventually helping millions of men with his website and courses like Advanced Dating Techniques.
But what I think is most interesting is his personal journey—the way he transformed his dating life by actively learning about courting. Instead of settling for his “natural ability” with women (which was getting him nowhere) David got out of comfort zone and became a true student—observing and learning from people who were successfully meeting women.
Like anything else in life, if you accept your own limitations, you may never progress beyond your own mental barriers. But if you are willing to learn, you can actually grow your ability and your success in the dating world.
Conclusion
If you’re not happy with your dating life, don’t just sit and wait for the situation to change.
Take a hard look at your mindset and your actions. You could be making one of the fundamental dating mistakes above without even realizing it.
If you can address these unconscious barriers, and refine your approach to dating, you may find that it opens up a whole new world of amazing possibilities.
Good luck!
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Well written again Kyle,
One thing a guy might consider is that meeting a girl and having a conversation is just about getting to know each other.
How many guys out there have started dating some gal who looked hot, said all the right things at all the right times, but ended up being psycho and wrecking his life.
All because it was all about getting her. Remember you may not want her, she may look good but not be good.
Also for those guys out there breaking their backs to be sweet and nice; POAs come in the female variety too, and guess who’s their target? I’ve known some hot chic girls out there who have no problem stringing you along for a nice meal and favors, and you may get to see her bedroom, but you’ll have to take a number.
Great points, Lori! Thank you for the added perspective.