Navigating the dating world can sometimes be tough.
Sure, there are guys out there who never seem to get shot down. But no matter what they tell you, asking a woman out is as much art as it is science.
Often, successfully asking a woman out comes down to that unquantifiable thing: mojo. Sometimes you’re feeling it, sometimes you’re not.
That said, there are a few guidelines that can increase your odds of success when asking a woman out on a date:
1. Stay in the Present Moment
Don’t get too many steps ahead of yourself. You should be focusing on the moment and not flashing forward in your mind to a movie-montage of the love affair you’re going to have. Don’t get all dreamy about it—the higher your hopes and dreams are, the farther they can fall. For now, just focus on getting her to say yes to drinks on Friday.
2. Avoid Using the “D Word”
It’s easy to make a big deal about how she’s going on a “date” with you. In your head you’re thinking, “She’s getting coffee with me. I’m IN!” Placing too much significance on the first date can make you seem a little desperate. It’s like if you went to a car lot and the salesperson said, “Hey, do you want to buy a car…from ME? Can I be your salesman?” You’d be creeped out. Much better if he casually said, “Hey, I’m Jim, do you want to do a test drive?” When asking a woman out, it’s better to think one date at a time. This isn’t a commitment to “go steady,” this is you getting to know each other better a couple hours at a time.
3. Don’t Ever Ask Her to “Hang Out”
Ok, you know when I said you should avoid saying “date”? Well, I’d rather you say that than “hang out.” Your window of being able to ask women to “hang” closed right after you stopped riding a BMX bike. One of the biggest issues with asking a woman to hang out is that you’re not being clear about your intentions. At least if you ask a woman to dinner, she gets that it’s a date. But if you ask if she wants to “hang and play some X-Box,” who knows what she’ll think? You may even be putting yourself to the “friend zone” without realizing it. Now that you’re a man, ask her on a date.
4. Confidence: Fake it ‘Til You Got It
Even if you’re nervous and you think there’s NO way she’s going to say yes, you need to be confident when you ask her out. If your body language and tone of voice say “You’re so much better than me, I’m a loser,” she might just believe it. Some guys understand this but take it too far—into swagger mode—and they come across like arrogant players. That’s where the nuance comes in: you need to strike a balance between acting like you KNOW she’s going to say yes, and not acting like a total douche. You can still be polite and act like you’re expecting a yes: look her in the eye, stand up straight, take your time and don’t fidget. After awhile, you’ll forget that you were “acting” confident and you’ll actually feel confident. And she’ll notice.
5. Put Your Best Foot Forward
Literally: Wear nice shoes and you’re going to get the girl—that’s all there is to it. Of course I’m oversimplifying. It’s not just about the shoes…but there’s an element of truth to it. If you’re asking a woman out, you want to make sure your appearance is in top form. If you approach her in saggy sweatpants and a nappy old t-shirt, I’m not saying it’s a definite no, but you’re not helping your chances. Dress like you value yourself. Now back to the shoes: notice when you’re wearing a nice outfit, a woman’s eyes will go to your shoes. It’s amazing how great shoes can take a so-so outfit up to the next level. And just as often, a great outfit can be torpedoed by wearing crappy shoes. So, dress well and don’t forget the nice shoes.
6. Envision Success
If you go in there expecting she’ll say no, she probably will. Instead, envision success. Literally imagine what it will be like when she says yes. If you start imagining yourself getting nervous or tongue-tied, stop and start again until you imagine it going smoothly. Now the big caveat to this is: don’t get hung up rehearsing specific dialog—don’t memorize your script, otherwise if things veer off in a different direction you could really be thrown. Just envision the sensation of feeling success, of being confident, of having a good rapport with her. It’s not just about you, it’s about both of you enjoying a moment together.
7. Be Buddhist About Rejection
Buddhists have a great attitude about attachment to the physical world. They have a phrase that goes something like “See the glass as already broken.” They don’t overreact when something is destroyed or when a glass breaks because that glass is already broken. It is inevitable that the glass will break, so they see the glass as already broken—there’s no overdeveloped sense of attachment to it. Asking a woman out should be the same. If she says no, it’s not like you’re really LOSING something. Instead of getting bent out of shape if she says no, just say to yourself, “ah well, her loss.” One thing the Buddhists won’t tell you is that asking women out is a numbers game. The more you get out there, the more you increase your chances of a woman saying yes. Once you realize that it takes 9 no’s to get to a yes, the no’s don’t sting as much.
8. Make a Connection First
Hopefully by the time you’re considering asking a woman out, you’ve already had some sort of conversation and made a connection. It sounds silly, but lots of guys approach women in bars and ask for their number or ask them out right on the spot. That may work for guys who don’t care about personal chemistry. But I think you’ve got to make a connection first. Even if you’re SURE you’re in love before speaking two words to her, give it a chance to percolate by talking to her. If you ask her out too soon, you may get a no that would have been a yes if you’d just allowed the situation to develop. Sex needs foreplay and so does asking a woman out.
9. Ditch the Baggage
Don’t bring your baggage from other rejections into the conversation. The only person keeping score of your past “wins and losses” is you. It’s not like all the women who’ve ever known you set up a private Facebook page to discuss how to systematically ruin your life. They’re not in cahoots. Also, just because you got rejected last week doesn’t mean this new woman has to give you a break this week. Pity should not be in your arsenal. You still have to be confident and bring your A game.
10. Squelch Your Fear
You have to remember that what you’re doing is not a big deal. You’re not asking her to move in with you. You’re just asking her to spend a couple hours with you alone. Also, realize that whether a woman says yes or no, she respects you more for asking. At least you had the balls to try. And ultimately you realize that the initial fear you had is ridiculous. As you get older, you end up regretting the women you didn’t ask out, not the ones you did. So, suck it up and go for it.
11. Don’t Rely on Liquid Courage
Having one or two drinks before asking a girl out might be okay, but you really don’t need them. Be confident. You’ve got this. And by “got this” I just mean you’ll go through with it without peeing your pants. I can’t vouch for the outcome. The potential dangers of drinking too much before approaching a woman are pretty obvious: you could come across like a slurring, grabby douche. What’s funny is that many guys feel like they can only ask a woman out when they’ve had a few drinks so they can relax. But with practice, you’ll realize you can be just as relaxed and confident without the booze.
12. Keep Your Cool Even After a Yes
Just because she’s said yes doesn’t mean you can celebrate and ditch all pretenses. A yes certainly doesn’t give you permission to introduce her to your friends as your new squeeze or talk about how you’re going to go on a date. “Yeah brah, we’re totally going to Benihana together next Wednesday!” It’s also not usually a good idea to use the “post-yes” time to recap the “asking-out” segment of the evening: “Wow, I was pretty nervous, but I’m glad I asked you out. I didn’t think you were going to say yes. You’re purrrdy.” Just keep cool and enjoy the moment.
13. Just Do It
It’s easy to rationalize not asking or delaying asking a woman out because of various factors. Don’t let yourself wimp out. And don’t think you need a 5-part strategic plan. The more rigid and methodical you are about it, the creepier you’ll seem. Don’t delay, because sometimes the clock is ticking, especially if you’ve made a connection and the woman is expecting it. Writer Jeff Goins told a story about a girl in high school he’d been wanting to ask out for a while. When he finally got the cojones, he said it was a poor effort and he thought for sure he’d failed—he just mumbled something to her about going out. To his surprise she immediately said “I’d love to.” And then as she was walking away, she turned around and said “it’s about time.”
Conclusion
So gents, the moral of the story is that you’ve got to put yourself out there. You can’t overthink things. Be confident and envision yourself succeeding. But pick yourself up and dust yourself off when it doesn’t work out. You’ll try again, and sooner or later you’ll be successful. And once you realize that none of this is a big deal, you won’t feel the fear anymore. You’ll just be having the time of your life.
I’d love to hear from you guys: What challenges are you having out in the dating world? What successes are you having? Leave a comment below!
, Thanks for this article – I found it very entertaining, especially the bit about the ‘slurring, grabby, douche’!
I’m not sure what the ‘mojos’ might be (some kind of unfortunate disease?) which no doubt marks me down as ‘uncool,’ but a lot of what you have written might well apply to a friend of mine, who dithered around, not asking the potential girl, straight out, if she would be his girlfriend, rather than just his friend. “Why not ask her?” I said. “In case she says no!” came the pathetic reply. It was all very sad. When he did finally ask her, she said ‘No’ and then, about a year later, got back to him, asking if he would be ‘friends’ again. Now he doesn’t know what to do. The girl was a loser. He should have ditched her in the first 30 seconds.
The whole thing is just a huge waste of time, but it obviously matters a great deal to some people, so I’m sure your article is needed and will be well-received.
Peter, thanks for your comment. Your story makes a good point, that sometimes guys can overcomplicate dealing with someone who they probably shouldn’t have given a second thought to. All because your friend was worrying and fretting more than acting in the first place. Thanks for sharing!
Good point about shoes. In fact, it’s all about the feet. I just read a book about body language (What Every Body is Saying, by Joe Navarro). Apparently, the position and movement of the feet are particularly telling about our emotional and psychological state, moreso than any other body part. Where they point and how they move speaks to a woman’s (actually anyone’s) subconcious limbic brain and reveal a lot about how you are feeling.
Interesting! I’ll have to check out that book.
any ideas on how to add girls to facebook I was wondering of how to do that thanks
Very insightful especially points 6,7 and 8.Great job done.
Thanks Dawson!
I consider Tip #2 one of the most helpful things I have ever read in my entire existence.
Wow, thanks Henry! So glad you found it helpful.
Hey Kyle,
Great article! It was very helpful and really helped me build some confidence when asking out woman! I have a question though. I asked a girl out while we were texting. I was texting her, responding every few minutes, and so was she. Then, I asked her if next weekend she would like go out, maybe bowling or dinner? She didn’t reply for what was like 45 minutes. I thought, well that’s a no. Which was fine, but then she replied saying that she thought it would be fun to go out and bowl she’s just not very good at it! So I replied telling her I’m not good at bowling too it would still be fun! She never replied after that. Should I just let it goand just kinda take this as a no, or should i text her later this week saying something like “hey, still want to go bowling this weekend?”
Thanks for the help!
totally text her back dude. she wants to know if u really care about her. she’s testing you. if you truly like her, be sure to text her back because you might lose your woman. but don’t be creepy. don’t text her all the time randomly. be smart and chill. Good Luck!!!
(also in the second sentence it would be *women* not woman)
ok nice chat
Thanks lets just hope it works xD
*gulp*
I ask a more serious woman out on a date often and it leads to a date then a week goes byebye we go out again. This time with maybe some 9f her friends. Somewhere with energy and go earlier dance the shit out of it. and then booom ”lets go” a few nice drinks on hand. And then i go in… all the way heck yeah like a house on fire. Bang! There i am playing right into second. I go for third stall she fumbles and i make her feel the passion the love the innnntensity. Bang bang boom im carrying her to the bedroom the whole time our lips are at 4000 rpm. Anyone ever teach you to kiss.? Shame.. blame and the bam throw her on the bed. Take off my shirt and jump in in one motion. Aint nothing to fear but fear itself boys. Remember to drink some damn water youll need it.
I want to date, but I suppose that I am afraid of being stuck… I plan on moving again (work related), and I don’t want to have to explain all this because the girl will then probably feel less prioritized. Would it be a good idea to start a relationship, knowing that I will relocate? I know you say stay in the present, but… do you think it’s a good idea to begin a relationship if I plan on moving within a year?
Michael, if you are certain that you are going to move in the near future, it may cause more complications if you start a relationship now. But sometimes we can’t control when we meet our next love interest. So if you end up meeting someone and a relationship starts to develop, I would recommend being upfront about your plans to relocate. If it’s just a casual dating relationship, she may be okay with the fact that it has an expiration. If she’s after something more serious (and you’re not interested in a long-distance relationship), then maybe you can spare both of yourselves some pain by not letting the relationship develop too far. Good luck!
thanks for helping me
In order to ask a woman out in the first place, a guy needs to be able to look in the mirror and say to himself without reservation, “I’m a sexy man and women find me attractive.” I’m 38 and have never been able to get anywhere near this reality. I just cannot see myself as anything other than grotesque or imagine any woman finding me attractive. Not even once in my whole life has a woman has ever smiled at me, checked me out – or done/said anything to show interest – so I don’t ask them out. Why bother if rejection is guaranteed not 90, but 100% of the time. Do you have any advice for those of us who are chronically single?
Hey Paul, thanks for your comment. I think your question precisely highlights some of the points in this article. If you see yourself as grotesque or think less of yourself, women are going to pick up on that subconsciously.
First and foremost, I would suggest trying to be a little more compassionate to yourself–stop beating yourself up. We are always our own worst critic.
Second, learn to “Fake it ’til you Become it.” I know it sounds crazy, but simply changing your outward actions and behavior can start to change you inwardly as well and improve your confidence…and that becomes a virtuous cycle. Amy Cuddy has a widely cited Ted talk where she highlights research about the power of body language to create chemical changes in your body (https://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_are).
Third, I think the idea of “Putting Your Best Foot Forward” extends beyond improving your appearance and dressing well. My good friend Brock at The Modest Man did an inspiring video about the idea of giving yourself “reasons” for being more confident. His main point: people always say “you just need to be more confident. But how do you make confidence out of thin air? You need to give yourself small but concrete reasons to believe in your confidence, and that is totally in your control. (See the video here: https://youtu.be/MBxra36Lu-4).
Fourth, with your statement about “Why bother if reject is guaranteed…” you are perfectly illustrating my point about bringing old baggage to new interactions. Cut it out. Seriously. Paul, you are way too much in your head. No other woman is keeping track of your “stats” the way you are. Try this instead: stop focusing on yourself when you talk to woman; just focus on enjoying the interaction and showing interest in her. Will it be a “success”? Who knows? But if you don’t even try, you are 100% guaranteed to fail. More to that point, give yourself opportunities to practice making conversation with women in low-stakes situations, where you have nothing to lose. Not when you are trying to flirt or get a date, but just in everyday life: the checkout girl at the supermarket, the barista at Starbucks, etc. Not long ago, I did a roundup post where some other bloggers and dating experts provided their advice Overcoming Shyness Around Women, and this was one of the biggest “common threads”–just practice as much as you can, and gradually you become more comfortable and more “in the moment” instead of being in your head. (read the article here: http://www.thedistilledman.com/overcome-shyness-around-women/).
Finally, if you can “Be Buddhist About Rejection” you will see that women start to treat you with more respect and interest even when they reject you. If you can get comfortable with the idea that 9 out of 10 or even 99 out of 100 women is going to “say no,” in some weird way that gives you permission to relax and be less tied to the “outcome” and more able to enjoy being in the present moment.
I hope this helps, Paul. Good luck and let me know if you have any other questions!
All your advice is well and good, except that advising guys to ask a woman out is telling telling us to risk being socially and professionally destroyed or worse, charged with a criminal offence. Just flirting with a woman in Western society could be – and often is – construed as sexual harassment. I’m an extreme introvert, and have never tried to flirt in the first place – I am certain I’d be an abject failure no matter how many times I tried. Added to this, the very real potential for legal issues to arise from my trying to show a woman my interest in her takes it out of the realm of the possible.
BTW, flirting is fine as long as you’re not creepy about it. For example, if you just met this woman and ask her about her personal life and stuff, that’s a bit too much. But if you just ask her some stuff to get to know her when you first meet her, that’s fine. Once you go out on a couple of dates you can then ask her some more personal stuff.
nice talking to ya
Your advice is meant for guys who are actually capable of attracting a woman. Since other guys are incomparably more attractive than me, there is no way any woman would ever choose me over another guy. Also, since guys have to compete for women’s attention, there is no point in me trying – I would be guaranteed rejection every time.
Hey Allen, your comment reminds me of Henry Ford’s famous quote: “whether you think you can or can’t, you’re right.” If you decide to give up, then yes, your prediction will come true, because you are shutting yourself off to the possibility of meeting a woman. Let me ask you, is this important enough to you that you might stay open to learning more about how to do it? (Even if you are pessimistic about the potential outcome). Also, ask yourself: are there ways that you could be less hard on yourself, so that even if it doesn’t magically result in you meeting a woman, then at least you can feel more okay about life and not beat yourself up so much? Continually beating yourself up not only makes it harder to interact with people (women or men) but it’s also a heavy and painful burden to carry. And that, Allen, is totally within your control.
Hi Kyle – I could study how to do this for years and would never have any luck whatsoever. My experience throughout my life (school, high school, college, university, grad school and now career) has clearly demonstrated that other guys are capable of attracting women but I am not. I’m not giving up because I’ve never tried in the first place and I’ve never tried because there is zero evidence that I could have any success. I’ve always observed other guys approaching and having success with women I found attractive but who never knew I existed… Always them and never, ever me. I’m not jealous or angry – I’m just sad I’ll never attract a woman no matter what. This is my lonely reality.
Allen, your comment reminds me of that famous quote from Wayne Gretzky: “You miss 100% of the shots you never take.”
And unfortunately, some of us are incapable of skating so we never even get on the ice – as such there is never a shot to take. We just watch other guys getting chances, taking shots and sometimes scoring.
Kyle you might learn the difference between an adverb and a nounal phrase. It’s not after awhile. Awhile is an adverb and can never be the object of a preposition which after is in this case.
The sentence in #4 (Confidence) should read “After a while, you’ll forget that you were…” Confidence in your grammar will make you a better writer. Just trying to help. If you want to know the trick so you never get it wrong email me. Yes, there is a trick that requires no knowledge of grammar.
Thanks for educating me, Jim! I appreciate the clarification. I learned something new today!
There is zero point in me making eye contact with, smiling at, or approaching any woman because no matter who she is, rejection (or worse) is guaranteed every time. For me to “imagine success,” as you put it, would be an exercise in pure self delusion – there is no way any woman would ever even consider talking to me. Other guys – literally by definition – are much more attractive than I ever could be, so any woman will pick another guy (no matter what he’s like) and ignore me. I hate it, but this is how it is. Do you have any advice on how to cope with permanent loneliness?
I think most of this has a point, but when you’re used to so much rejection that one becomes immune to it. Just the other day I asked a woman I thought was attractive to go to dinner with me. Her response was that she’s trying to focus on work right now. This woman works at the market. I still go in there and I still have conversations with her. I do this because I’m a gentleman and I’m truly interested in getting to know her more. I’m trying to use the fact that I still talk to her as a point that I’m not trying to get into her pants but wanting to truly get to know HER. Is this a food tactic to use? I admit that I’m not the most attractive guy in the world and yes she could do better, but I also think that I could make her a happy woman. Your opinion on this would be greatly appreciated.
Hey Keith, I think it’s good to try and make conversation, which will hopefully spark chemistry. But sometimes it just isn’t the right environment–some people feel a little guarded if they’re at work. If you go to the market regularly, I’d suggest backing off a bit (you can say hello), but perhaps allow her to express some interest before trying to ask again. Sometimes you need to allow the space to let something develop, and if you force it too quickly it can backfire. Good luck!
Send her a friendly text first. Get the conversation started by texting her something like “Hey, how’s it going?” or “Hey, what are you up to?” Wait until she responds before asking her out, and let the conversation flow naturally. If she doesn’t have your number, let her know who you are and how you got her number; you don’t want her to be uncomfortable or to ignore the text because she doesn’t know who it’s coming from.